It's been over 57 years since I had my first abortion. I was young and scared and didn't know how to tell my family or friends. So, I kept it hidden, a secret burdening my soul. For years, I tried to forget it ever happened. But the guilt and shame always lingered, no matter how much success I achieved in my career or how happy I was raising my daughter. It affected me for 57 years until I finally found the strength to confront what happened head-on.
The Unthinkable Choice
It all started when I got pregnant at 18 years old. I was in my first year of college and had no ambition or goals. I was young, naïve, and in a relationship with a man who wasn't ready to be a father. My parents both wanted me to have the perfect life. There was no way I could tell them I was pregnant—they would have been devastated. So, I made the decision to have an abortion.
It wasn't easy, but I rationalized it by telling myself that it was for the best. After all, how could I raise a child on my own? My career would suffer and my child would grow up without a father figure in their life. So, I had the abortion and kept it hidden from everyone, except the father. But in some ways, it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. That weight grew heavier years later when I had another abortion.
The second time it happened, I was 21, had just started a new job, had met someone at a party and had what ended up being a one-night stand. I had called him to let him know I was pregnant and never heard back from him. The thought of becoming a single mother again was just too much for me to handle - so once again, I told no one and chose abortion. Even though it felt like the "logical" choice, it didn't make it any easier emotionally.
After 57 years of living with these secrets, I finally decided that enough was enough. I had to face what happened head-on if I ever wanted to find peace within myself. So, I started by writing down my experience—all the pain, all the hurt, all the shame. It was therapeutic in a way. Just getting it all out there helped me begin to process what happened all those years ago. From there, I forgave myself and realized that God had forgiven me too. All that was left was to come to terms with what happened so that I could move on with my life.
Making Peace With The Past
It took me 57 years to come to terms with what happened after my abortions, but today, I am proud to say that I am free from their shadows. Through writing down my experience, forgiving myself, and coming to terms with what happened all those years ago, I was able to let go of the pain once and for all. And in doing so, I discovered a newfound sense of purpose.
You Are Not Alone
If you have experienced abortion and are now struggling with guilt and shame, know that you are not alone in your journey. Today, there are many women who have been through the same thing as you - me included. And we are all on a path to healing. So don't give up hope; your best days are still ahead of you. Remember that God's grace and mercy are always available when we need them most - all we have to do is ask for forgiveness and begin our journey toward healing from abortion.